It's weird to look at a current picture of yourself and see the changes in your body affected by overeating, especially when you always used to look a certain way in all of the previous pictures. One day it catches up to you and you feel a deep sadness that you've gone so far. I want to stop, turn around and head back the other way.
So many feelings have been twirling around in my mind, heart and soul already today. I've cried a couple of times. It's interesting the emotional healing that takes place and the times it takes place. I'm learning that crying is ok and that I will need to cry from time to time just go get that stuff out and on the surface so the loving hand of the Lord can wipe it away. Numbing those feelings with food is not helpful.
It was interesting this morning as I was eating breakfast because I knew I was hungry, but I had no desire to eat. I sat at the table, practicing eating mindfully, and I tried to concentrate on my food. "Mmmm...oatmeal!" I thought that and then thought, "Oh, who am I kidding?" So I pushed the bowl away. That is a huge step for me...and not even a planned one. If I would have taken the bowl of oatmeal and sat in front of the computer or TV, then it would have been a different story. I probably would have shoved every last drop into my mouth, without even being present during the eating process.
This morning I was looking at some beautiful pictures of some family members who are such beautiful people and I so wish I could be the size that they are. I know I'm not supposed to compare myself to others, but there are times I do. And after thinking about it for awhile, I realized something...they are not on a diet. They just eat. They eat what they like. They aren't overeating! They live normal lives and look at eating as a normal thing. And again, I felt good about being a normal eater.
My mind wraps itself around the idea of dieting many times during the day. It's an annoyance! So many times I want to run to a diet and find that miracle. I did that last week when I signed up again for Weight Watchers online and canceled the very same day because I realized how foolish it was for me to put myself on another diet. I don't need a diet. It's not about food. It's about what's on the inside of me. Food cannot love me. Food cannot accept me. Food cannot comfort me. God loves me. God accepts me. God comforts me. How foolish it is for me to think that food can take the place of God.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Sunday, July 22, 2007
An Introduction
Writing has saved me. Well, no, Jesus Christ has saved me, but writing in a journal and just writing in general was what kept me going through difficult times. So it's no surprise that I'm starting up this blogspot as a journal to record my journey through becoming my natural and healthy body weight and size once again. I'm tired of struggling through this, so I'm going to jot down my thoughts here.
Dieting was a new concept to me about 4 years ago. Actually, let me go back to 5 years ago when after 6 months of marriage, I had gained 15 pounds. Instead of the "Freshman 15" in college, it was the "Newlywed 15" in marriage. I was baffled and shocked that the scale could be so cruel as to tell me that I had gained 15 pounds. With demand I asked for the other scale, which spit out the same result. For YEARS I had been the same weight. Something had to change! So I began exercising and in what felt like no time at all, the weight was gone. But then I thought I should lose 5 more pounds (where was my sense in that?). Obviously the weight I was at was my natural, healthy weight if I had been there for years! [And I realize that the reason I gained the 15 pounds was because I was cooking and baking like crazy and eating all of those yummy foods. My lifestyle had changed. It just needed some balance].
Upon finding a support group, I was encouraged to make a goal and start counting calories. I did so, and each night I sat with my "diet journal" and wrote down each food I was going to eat the next day. I wrote with a pencil, of course, because if I got down to the end of the day and didn't have enough calories to spare, I would have to erase something from lunch, breakfast or a snack to serve my caloric needs. Years later, I did this with Weight Watchers points. I never did lose that extra 5 pounds, but I gained 8, lost 8, gained 10, lost 10, gained 10, gained 5, and gained 6 more. So now I am 22-25 pounds away from my natural, healthy weight. And it wasn't just weight, it is fat, and a big ole glob of it around my tummy. I'm not satisfied with this. Some may think, "Oh, for crying outloud! You aren't even fat!" But you know what, I know what's healthy for me and this skin isn't holding in what's healthy.
I became familiar with eating normal (eating intuitively, eating when you are hungry--stopping when you are satisfied) about 1-1/2 years ago. I have read so many books on it, but still I struggle. Know why? Because there's this diet mentality still stuck up in my head. I also tried following a raw-food diet by Hallelujah Acres and looked at food as my savior and healer. I was way out of balance. Also, trying to conceive has brought a lot of "you need to eat right so you can get pregnant" thoughts, which have a lot of legalistic beliefs attached to them.
I know a lot about dieting AND normal eating, but my struggle is what's in my head...the things that float around in my mind. I have become quite an emotional eater. Stress, worry, trying to conceive, and a lot of other things have pressed my mind and food has been a way to numb myself. I feel like a food addict. And what's tricky about it is that you need food to live. So overcoming a food addiction has been hard for me.
And I know if I don't stop now, that it will continue to get worse.
When wondering what to do, I keep on coming back to Thin Within. It's a book, an organization, and a tool to help people get back on track with their God-given hunger cues. The Lord is my life and the only way I am going to overcome this obsession with food, emotional eating, etc. is from His help. I've tried to do this on my own for too long.
And so I start this journal to write down my thoughts and also to help others who have struggled with the same thing who may stumble upon this blog.
A scripture that is on my mind this morning is from a well-known place in the Bible. Psalm 23.
He takes care of my every need. I am not left without His care. So I don't need to turn to food, but to His food. I can trust Him to take care of my needs. Amen!
Dieting was a new concept to me about 4 years ago. Actually, let me go back to 5 years ago when after 6 months of marriage, I had gained 15 pounds. Instead of the "Freshman 15" in college, it was the "Newlywed 15" in marriage. I was baffled and shocked that the scale could be so cruel as to tell me that I had gained 15 pounds. With demand I asked for the other scale, which spit out the same result. For YEARS I had been the same weight. Something had to change! So I began exercising and in what felt like no time at all, the weight was gone. But then I thought I should lose 5 more pounds (where was my sense in that?). Obviously the weight I was at was my natural, healthy weight if I had been there for years! [And I realize that the reason I gained the 15 pounds was because I was cooking and baking like crazy and eating all of those yummy foods. My lifestyle had changed. It just needed some balance].
Upon finding a support group, I was encouraged to make a goal and start counting calories. I did so, and each night I sat with my "diet journal" and wrote down each food I was going to eat the next day. I wrote with a pencil, of course, because if I got down to the end of the day and didn't have enough calories to spare, I would have to erase something from lunch, breakfast or a snack to serve my caloric needs. Years later, I did this with Weight Watchers points. I never did lose that extra 5 pounds, but I gained 8, lost 8, gained 10, lost 10, gained 10, gained 5, and gained 6 more. So now I am 22-25 pounds away from my natural, healthy weight. And it wasn't just weight, it is fat, and a big ole glob of it around my tummy. I'm not satisfied with this. Some may think, "Oh, for crying outloud! You aren't even fat!" But you know what, I know what's healthy for me and this skin isn't holding in what's healthy.
I became familiar with eating normal (eating intuitively, eating when you are hungry--stopping when you are satisfied) about 1-1/2 years ago. I have read so many books on it, but still I struggle. Know why? Because there's this diet mentality still stuck up in my head. I also tried following a raw-food diet by Hallelujah Acres and looked at food as my savior and healer. I was way out of balance. Also, trying to conceive has brought a lot of "you need to eat right so you can get pregnant" thoughts, which have a lot of legalistic beliefs attached to them.
I know a lot about dieting AND normal eating, but my struggle is what's in my head...the things that float around in my mind. I have become quite an emotional eater. Stress, worry, trying to conceive, and a lot of other things have pressed my mind and food has been a way to numb myself. I feel like a food addict. And what's tricky about it is that you need food to live. So overcoming a food addiction has been hard for me.
And I know if I don't stop now, that it will continue to get worse.
When wondering what to do, I keep on coming back to Thin Within. It's a book, an organization, and a tool to help people get back on track with their God-given hunger cues. The Lord is my life and the only way I am going to overcome this obsession with food, emotional eating, etc. is from His help. I've tried to do this on my own for too long.
And so I start this journal to write down my thoughts and also to help others who have struggled with the same thing who may stumble upon this blog.
A scripture that is on my mind this morning is from a well-known place in the Bible. Psalm 23.
"The Lord is my Shepherd [to feed, guide, and shield me], I shall not lack." Psalm 23:1
He takes care of my every need. I am not left without His care. So I don't need to turn to food, but to His food. I can trust Him to take care of my needs. Amen!
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