Dieting was a new concept to me about 4 years ago. Actually, let me go back to 5 years ago when after 6 months of marriage, I had gained 15 pounds. Instead of the "Freshman 15" in college, it was the "Newlywed 15" in marriage. I was baffled and shocked that the scale could be so cruel as to tell me that I had gained 15 pounds. With demand I asked for the other scale, which spit out the same result. For YEARS I had been the same weight. Something had to change! So I began exercising and in what felt like no time at all, the weight was gone. But then I thought I should lose 5 more pounds (where was my sense in that?). Obviously the weight I was at was my natural, healthy weight if I had been there for years! [And I realize that the reason I gained the 15 pounds was because I was cooking and baking like crazy and eating all of those yummy foods. My lifestyle had changed. It just needed some balance].
Upon finding a support group, I was encouraged to make a goal and start counting calories. I did so, and each night I sat with my "diet journal" and wrote down each food I was going to eat the next day. I wrote with a pencil, of course, because if I got down to the end of the day and didn't have enough calories to spare, I would have to erase something from lunch, breakfast or a snack to serve my caloric needs. Years later, I did this with Weight Watchers points. I never did lose that extra 5 pounds, but I gained 8, lost 8, gained 10, lost 10, gained 10, gained 5, and gained 6 more. So now I am 22-25 pounds away from my natural, healthy weight. And it wasn't just weight, it is fat, and a big ole glob of it around my tummy. I'm not satisfied with this. Some may think, "Oh, for crying outloud! You aren't even fat!" But you know what, I know what's healthy for me and this skin isn't holding in what's healthy.
I became familiar with eating normal (eating intuitively, eating when you are hungry--stopping when you are satisfied) about 1-1/2 years ago. I have read so many books on it, but still I struggle. Know why? Because there's this diet mentality still stuck up in my head. I also tried following a raw-food diet by Hallelujah Acres and looked at food as my savior and healer. I was way out of balance. Also, trying to conceive has brought a lot of "you need to eat right so you can get pregnant" thoughts, which have a lot of legalistic beliefs attached to them.
I know a lot about dieting AND normal eating, but my struggle is what's in my head...the things that float around in my mind. I have become quite an emotional eater. Stress, worry, trying to conceive, and a lot of other things have pressed my mind and food has been a way to numb myself. I feel like a food addict. And what's tricky about it is that you need food to live. So overcoming a food addiction has been hard for me.
And I know if I don't stop now, that it will continue to get worse.
When wondering what to do, I keep on coming back to Thin Within. It's a book, an organization, and a tool to help people get back on track with their God-given hunger cues. The Lord is my life and the only way I am going to overcome this obsession with food, emotional eating, etc. is from His help. I've tried to do this on my own for too long.
And so I start this journal to write down my thoughts and also to help others who have struggled with the same thing who may stumble upon this blog.
A scripture that is on my mind this morning is from a well-known place in the Bible. Psalm 23.
"The Lord is my Shepherd [to feed, guide, and shield me], I shall not lack." Psalm 23:1
He takes care of my every need. I am not left without His care. So I don't need to turn to food, but to His food. I can trust Him to take care of my needs. Amen!
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