Thoughts for Today

It's weird to look at a current picture of yourself and see the changes in your body affected by overeating, especially when you always used to look a certain way in all of the previous pictures. One day it catches up to you and you feel a deep sadness that you've gone so far. I want to stop, turn around and head back the other way.

So many feelings have been twirling around in my mind, heart and soul already today. I've cried a couple of times. It's interesting the emotional healing that takes place and the times it takes place. I'm learning that crying is ok and that I will need to cry from time to time just go get that stuff out and on the surface so the loving hand of the Lord can wipe it away. Numbing those feelings with food is not helpful.

It was interesting this morning as I was eating breakfast because I knew I was hungry, but I had no desire to eat. I sat at the table, practicing eating mindfully, and I tried to concentrate on my food. "Mmmm...oatmeal!" I thought that and then thought, "Oh, who am I kidding?" So I pushed the bowl away. That is a huge step for me...and not even a planned one. If I would have taken the bowl of oatmeal and sat in front of the computer or TV, then it would have been a different story. I probably would have shoved every last drop into my mouth, without even being present during the eating process.

This morning I was looking at some beautiful pictures of some family members who are such beautiful people and I so wish I could be the size that they are. I know I'm not supposed to compare myself to others, but there are times I do. And after thinking about it for awhile, I realized something...they are not on a diet. They just eat. They eat what they like. They aren't overeating! They live normal lives and look at eating as a normal thing. And again, I felt good about being a normal eater.

My mind wraps itself around the idea of dieting many times during the day. It's an annoyance! So many times I want to run to a diet and find that miracle. I did that last week when I signed up again for Weight Watchers online and canceled the very same day because I realized how foolish it was for me to put myself on another diet. I don't need a diet. It's not about food. It's about what's on the inside of me. Food cannot love me. Food cannot accept me. Food cannot comfort me. God loves me. God accepts me. God comforts me. How foolish it is for me to think that food can take the place of God.