Here again

It's been awhile since I've posted here. I was on vacation for a few weeks and I'm now getting back into my routine. I hope to post more here.

What has happened with eating like a "normal" person since the last time I wrote? Well, I think I've actually released some weight (about 4 pounds), but I've also had a lot of diet thoughts running through my head. A few days ago I signed on again (yes again) with Weight Watchers online. I believe the Lord allowed me to do that so He could show me (hopefully once and for all) that man's set of general rules do not apply for every person. My body seems to require more fuel than the "points" prescribed by WW. It's discouraging when you are several points over and you are very hungry--so hungry to a point where you will hurt someone if you don't eat something soon. I always have felt so defeated with dieting because there was no way I could only eat what they suggest.

Last night I felt like I needed some encouragement, so I went to "God Is Doing A New Thing" and was encouraged by Heidi's enthusiasm. And this morning I did another day of the Thin Within workbook that is taking me well over 12 weeks to go through. (It's a 12-week workbook). I have so much peace about following my hunger signals...so why, oh WHY do I keep on looking for a miracle? If it's not Weight Watchers, it's South Beach. These thoughts bombarde my mind.

I am also keep on hearing the thoughts that tell me if I would only eat a certain way, then I would get pregnant. But it's not about what I eat. I have faith and I'm believing that God will bless us with children. There are plenty of women in this world who eat all of the food they can get their hands on, and they have children!! I wish that lie would completely leave my head and I never have to think on it again! I'm not unhealthy; I'm healthy!! I have nothing to worry about! (Just giving myself a little pep-talk there)

Have you ever been scared? You know what I feel like I'm scared of right now...getting down and dirty with facing some issues. I'm terrified to open a book that will challenge me or that might make me cry. I'm not ready to face those things. I have a wonderful life, but because of the hard time I went through with emotional healing, it's hard for me to even open a book that might touch on more emotional healing. I know that the Lord will never give me more than I can handle, but I guess I don't even want to think about handling anymore of that. (Which probably shows right there that there's more to be done). I've noticed it's hard for me to be still and just relax. My mind is constantly going and I'm constantly keeping myself busy with things so I don't have to face reality on some things. And when it gets too quiet, I find something to eat. So that's probably why I have weight to release, because I have looked to food to help me through emotions.

I'm not a big person. I have 20 pounds to lose. But what scares me is that in the last year my body has changed so much...and never before did it go through such a fast change like that. I don't want that to happen again. I don't want food to be my sidekick to get me through tough situations. I want to go to the Lord's feet and cry out for His help.

The other day I ordered a study called The Lord's Table which is probably a lot like Thin Within, but hey, I will take any help and encouragement I can get because I know what I'm dealing with is emotional things. I think it's other things too, like when I tell myself I cannot have something right away I feel deprived and want to eat it like it's going out of style. Why is it that candy bars all of a sudden look so much better than they did before when you tell yourself you cannot have one? There's nothing wrong with eating a candy bar. God doesn't have all of the rules about eating in the Bible...at least not like all of the rules the millions of diets have.

I feel so aggressive right now. I can even see it in my writing. I wonder if I've put up a shield to try to protect myself from something. I don't know. But the Lord knows and He will help me.